So I am sitting here in my hotel room (a very lovely room I may add) reflecting on how I got here. When I say here I mean career wise that is, something that I struggle with occasionally because my successes don’t always resonate well with me. In speaking over the last several days to co workers we have shared some stories of our journeys and mine always brings me back to a different time.
I struggle with sharing this in written word because it’s mine and I need to have something that’s keeps me grounded to who I actually am.
It wasn’t easy, it sucked quite honestly growing up, the early years were a tangle of domestic violence and sexual assault that would haunt me for years to come. As I look back on this road I have taken in an interesting take I am thankful, as I have always believed (For me) this road made me the man I am today.
My dad passed when I was five and my brother was three, leaving us and our mom to figure it out. She married a man who would break her and change everything, he beat her, hurt her, disrespected her, threatened her, broke her both emotionally and spiritually. At 51 years old I see the remnants of this clearly when I speak to my mother. I use to be angry, fight back I thought, protect us I thought, do something I prayed, don’t settle for victim!
Even now I pause as a type this because I am uncertain of reaction to my reflection, but I own this and it’s mine to share. It has taken years for me to accept this mess of a life, not only the abuse my mother and brother endured (for some reason I was spared from direct physical abuse) but the embarrassment of it all, for GODs sake I was a kid!
The results of this however have tainted relationships with my mother and youngest sibling who is the result of this marriage. I actually don’t even know what to say in regard to this specific area.
Then comes the sexual abuse, now therapy has helped me to realize this was not my fault, not something I deserved, I was innocent and taken advantage of. It’s weird but I can remember even know the very night it happened, the conversation, his actions, my feelings, it never goes away.
I am stopping for now but will continue soon!