Thinking out loud

Sitting here in a coffee shop thinking out loud, thinking of where I am in life, what I have done, but more importantly what I still want to do.

I find myself searching within for the point in life where I feel satisfied, it’s not there, not for me. Is it wrong to want more? Is it wrong to not be satisfied with ones present state or situation?

At 52 I still am quite confident that I can do anything and everything I have always wanted to, is that not the right way to feel, I don’t know.

There is boundless adventure out there I know it and I was meant to be a part of it, I am just unsure of how to actually partake. It kind of reminds me of my much younger days when I would see other kids jumping rope (double dutch) and there was always that one kid trying to figure out when to jump in an enjoy.

To explain this feeling of wanting adventure, wanting a change is not easy for me which is another struggle since I am so very transparent. However, I know I was meant for bigger things, greater things I can feel it. How do I connect to it though?

Is it a matter of making change in what I would say it my normal routine? Is it reading a new book, cutting my hair, learning a language, or simply going on an adventure?

Interesting times when you have the world in your hands but are unsure what to do with?

Can life be like a balloon ride?

Its Sunday, I am just closing out three weeks of work travel and I am finally reflecting on all of this.

Three states, three different cities and I still want more. The idea of traveling excites me, it keeps my attention, and peaks my interest. In addition to the travel it’s also the people, the opportunity to meet and work with the people is such an added bonus. I feel humbled to be a part of something so much bigger than me the individual.

I think sometimes of how I was always told to just get a job and just do that job, your not really college material, so on and so on. The words attached to you as a child, a pre-teen, and then young person can be ever lasting.

At 52 I still am haunted at times at the self doubt in-stilled in me at such a young age, it truly impacts your life. When encouragement is deficient in your early impressionable years it changes the way you look at everything, how you feel about every situation.

Not worthy is something I often think and feel especially when I am told things like, great job, you did well, your such a value and any other positive reinforcements. My goal is to help, to provide a level of support in which others feel and see through my actions that they truly matter. I refuse to have anyone feel less then, as if they don’t count or have no relevance.

I will take that plane, book that hotel, rent that car, whatever it takes as long as I can help someone. Inclusion is key and will always be such an important aspect of what I do. The ability to make people feel there true value is a reward in itself and if I can be a part of that, it’s a win for me.

The idea of Servant Leadership is a methodology in which I truly believe in. I continue to learn myself, each day there is a renewed opportunity for knowledge gain.

Can life be like a ballon ride? Exciting, adventurous, and colorful? I think so, if you allow yourself to reflect, appreciate, and truly be humbled you can see the value that has been afforded to you as you take that balloon ride.

Balance

It’s interesting, life and how it at times can be the most overwhelming force one has to deal with.

I often brag of how transparent I am, or at least I try to be. The reality is I often find I am an open book, but only in certain chapters.

Is there a greater sense of balance if your end goal is transparency and you truly are transparent? Opening the book, sharing every chapter?

My goal for 2019 is to do just this, share more of what I have tried to hold in. Honestly the thought of this makes me nauseous but I am diving in.

I need greater balance, I need to find and accept a level of evenness in my life. At almost 52 it’s becoming to hard now to hold it all together. My balancing skills I guess you could say are off kilter.

So what does this mean? Do I become more vocal about my depression? Do I become more open about events in my adolescence? I don’t have an answer I honestly don’t, but I am going to try.

What I do know is that I long for a sense of serenity, a feeling of contentment, knowing everything is in its place. Will that help…with my balance? Not sure.

2019 is going to be an interesting year I can feel it. A year for growth and discovery, a year for change and development. I look forward to it, with a sense of nervous anticipation.

Smooth sailing?

It’s Friday

For some it’s the end of a week, good, bad, or indifferent.

Some are thankful to have made it through and are looking forward to sleeping it off tomorrow. Others may be thinking YEA!!! awesome week let’s celebrate.

Ask yourself this for a moment, if you’ve had a rough one is there something you have learned from it? Something that you can pinpoint and say this was my lesson learned?

I know for myself I reflect on my weeks often, think back of the should of, could of, wish I had. However, what I have also learned is that rough waters prepare you for your best.

Smooth sailing is ideal, yes no doubt but if everyday is smooth sailing with no rough waters do we actually learn?

After the waves have settled and I realize that yes Eddie you are still afloat. I honestly try to peel back those “rough waters” and think ok where was it the roughest and how can I learn from this. Does it work all the time! No, let me be very honest, but I will be the first to happily admit I am still a work in progress.

So, yea its Friday and for me this week has been a very good one. However, I am going to bring this week to a close with reflection.

Could something have been handled differently, did I over reach? over promise?

I appreciate the calm but hold tightly to my lifejacket as the opportunity for improvement is only a wave away.

The tree is lit!

Just saw the tree being lit at Rockefeller Center via NBC.

Wishing for some odd reason I was there, however I am in a hotel room in Dallas.

It’s prettier than I remember over the last couple of years, much more festive. Being a Native New Yorker I sadly have to admit I have never been to the actual lighting ceremony.

Not sure if it’s my age, the fact my daughter is growing up, my nieces and nephews are growing into these beautifully talented young people or what but I am feeling a bit nostalgic.

Watching as the cameras pan over the audience listening to the amazing Diana Ross singing beautiful holiday melodies is stirring something in me.

I want to get home, want to get in the mood for the season. This is going to be a very special one as my precious daughter will be home with me and my partner. My mom lives close now, my aunt and uncle are here and my in laws are just beautiful people.

There is a feeling of thankfulness that is becoming more profound each day, I no longer resist it. I embrace it, I am learning to let it go and receive the warmth of happiness, the celebration of life, to see things with warm eyes.

It is that time of year and I will not push it away as I have done in the past, nope no longer.

So I welcome you happiness, I embrace you happiness.

It’s my turn now, I too want to smile from the inside out.

Travel woes?

We have all been there and it’s never a pleasurable experience; flight delays!

Been up since 5:30am EST and should have known something was going to ripple this day from the moment I got on the infamous TSA Pre-check line.

“Sir…you have been randomly selected for additional screening” Oh yay just want I wanted. Get through that head upstairs and realize I no longer have my wallet!

Ugh..too early for this! Head back down and see the TSA agent looking around waving a wallet, well my wallet. I was actually quite grateful to him as a lost wallet is another whole journey I don’t want to be on.

Thanks to a last minute travel schedule change my new seat is at the very baaaaaaaaack of the plane. Before we take off the pilot announces air traffic in Atlanta and a one hour delay.

Get to Atlanta finally at the furthest terminal away from my connecting flight and the clock is ticking…as I have gained some weight (and I say this with an honest side eye daring you to judge me) I am not running through no airport. I did walk as fast as I could, but as to be expected I missed the flight.

Having called Delta for assistance they advised the only flight was at 8:00pm EST mind you it’s now only 10:00am, so this little camper was not very happy.

What I will say is this, you have two choices; be thankful or be not-thankful. I went to the stand by gate as suggested by the agent and the gate agent was amazing! Friendly, empathetic, and willing (let me say this again, WILLING TO HELP ME). although I could not get on that next flight she was able to confirm me a seat at 3:00pm and a better seat than my original.

I chose thankful, I made sure she knew how very thankful I was to her for helping me. I will say this though dealing with Delta over the phone is a nerve racking thing, it can get to the best of you, work that very last nerve. In person, the team are amazing.

The night before Thanksgiving

Sitting here not really too tired, napped today and was off work with some time to reflect. Hard to believe it’s already this time of year, it’s seems to have gone by so quickly. When I think about “thanks” what comes to mind for me is;

My daughter
My husband
My health
My family
My continued opportunities

I hope I reflect my thanks, I hope people see how very grateful I am. We need to try to smile more often, say thank you, and make eye contact when speaking with people.

Our needs are often quite simple and free of charge, I cannot seem to remember ever charging someone for a smile or simply saying hello.

We can do this, we can be thankful and we should.

Good evening

Photo by Artie Siegel on Pexels.com

Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

Your greatest asset..

Let me ask this question..

what is your greatest asset?

In the work space it’s the people, the people are the greatest asset in any organization.

I have been fortunate enough, let me say this again…fortunate enough to work for an organization in which I feel like one of their greatest assets.

It is so very important to be able to see the bigger picture, the long term, the potential.

It’s not always easy, I would be foolish to say it was, however if you allow your self to see the bigger picture, the long term, the potential…YOUR POTENTIAL it could be magical.

Let them see you, let them see what you are truly capable of, let them see what your abilities truly are.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU TRULY HAVE A PASSION TO DO…..believe me I know this first handedly as I can honestly say I love what I do.

I believe in you, I believe in your abilities whether tapped into or not, I believe in you.

Smile….Make Eye Contact…Lean In…Listen…Get it done!

Good evening my friends

Reflections

Is there ever a time when you don’t reflect, think back to other times, lost adventure, the what if’s?

I am not sure if it is an age thing, I am 51 and at a point where I am now seeing things through different lenses. I don’t miss some things and part of my reflection process clearly reminds me of that; for example going out every evening to the clubs.

It could also be that my daughter had done her first college visit and life it self is getting very real. My emotions are all over the place right now, but I know it will all balance, or at least I hope so.

When your 51 do you start thinking about the rest of your life? Am I being over worried for no reason? I have no idea, but there is a part of me that feels like I need to get stuff done already, travel, check off that bucket list.

I am going to start journaling more as it actually helps my anxiety a bit.

Eddie

Continue to grow…always!

Interesting statement right? Saw this on Pinterest and thought well hell we have to don’t we?

But do we, do we grow through what we go through? I have mixed feelings with this right now.

Instinctively I know we do, you know that old “lesson learned” and “fool me once” none sense but yet how often do we circle right back and do the same shit over again? and maybe again after that.

We grow, you grow, I have grown, especially this last year, and we try our best to pull from our experiences of growth the lessons learned both good and bad.

You grow!

You learn to maybe not post that even though it’s your own dam opinion just because it’s not worth the backlash from some and they mean more to you in end.

You learn to keep your eyes on the prize and maybe just maybe after all these years you will be recognized for doing what truly does inspire you.

You learn to be more observant and watch, listen, and think before reacting in anyway.

You learn to appreciate and be thankful for every opportunity presented, you learn to be humbled and gracious.

You learn a smile can speak volumes, eye contact can provide encouragement, a lean in shows you are truly hearing them, hearing there message.

You learn…you grow through what you go through….indeed.

Good afternoon….