Life out of balance

Today like most days I found myself missing you. I hear a song, look at a photo, see a red cardinal and it triggers an emotion.

The emotion that arises causes such tears, such a feeling of loss, such a heaviness in my heart and I struggle with figuring out how to rationalize all of it.

I am simply a son who misses you so very much. How would I have grown with you here? Who would I have become with your physical presence next me? These are just some of the questions that arise. I am angry at times at you for stealing away the “could have been’s” sometimes and it makes me mad that your every breathing moment wasn’t in the best interest of me and my brother.

I want to scream HOW DARE YOU STEAL OUR LIVES FROM US but to whom would I yell to? your headstone, the sky’s, the old photos? Who please tell me.

You left us with one parent, a broken parent and a continual state of life out of balance. I have nothing to compare it to because this is my only experience. At five and three, my brother and I were not prepared for any of it, and to this day we still aren’t. There is a void in my memory that I continually fight with, struggle to gain a control that will never be, in a continual failed attempt at a memory, a clear as crystal memory of you.

I have glimpses, quick memories of you and for that I am beyond thankful. The few photos of you I cherish and find at times not able to look at because the ache within my heart becomes too much for me. My GOD how I miss the idea of “could have been’s” I just don’t know what to do.

People would say I made it, I survived, that you would be proud of me. Well, isn’t the idea of survival up to interpretation? I think back on childhood and remember just being scared, just feeling alone and unloved, not regarded at all. T

he broken parent re-married and the relationship was beyond toxic, abusive, traumatizing, every horrible and frightening word you can imagine to say the least, but yet we were able to barely maneuver are way through it.

I think back now as an adult to how I maneuvered through life back then, always that feeling of having to think ahead, have a plan. What did I know, nothing, no plan, no anything, but the instinct to make it through each day.

Being witness without realizing it, seeing the slow collapse of a parents willingness to remain engaged, relevant, a protecter for their children changes you. As an adult with life experiences under my belt I can and associate the behaviors to what the parent was going through, dealing with, and just trying to survive themselves. However, I am now a parent myself and can’t internalize or even imagine allowing my child to fall to the side.

Life out of balance is survivable indeed, it’s not easy but it can be done. The void never fills, for me specifically it hasn’t. I believe the older you get the more you learn, the more you rationalize, the more you associate feelings and raw emotions.

It’s ok to acknowledge a hard road travelled, I do, I do it to remind me of the accomplishments I have been able to achieve with the start that I was dealt. What I do know is that there is less tolerance for wasted time, useless conversation, and most importantly toxic relationships regardless of who they are with.

There is so much more to this story, when I am ready. It’s important to understand that everything is related in time, and when comfortable. I miss you so very much, and I know within my heart you are so very proud of me. I see a red cardinal everyday and dream of you often, you are with me, with my daughter, my brother and his children. We love and honor you and now are beginning to realize we achieved because of your hands on our shoulders guiding and shielding us. We love dad.

My daily reminder of you

Become Conscious

What are we doing? Sounds like a simple question doesn’t it, it isn’t.

We are becoming more consciously aware of the society in which we walk amongst. Yes there are so many wonderful people that encourage, uplift, and provide us the continual energies needed to move us forward, remind us of the goodness and potential of others. However, we are continuing to see the harsh and ugly realities that continue to plague us, blur the peaceful vision that we want to see, that we want to believe.

I ask myself why, why can’t we just accept others as they accept us. None of us are perfect, none of us are a perfect representation of the ideal being, I know I’m not, are you? Yet, there are those who walk amongst us who feel it within there control, there power, there right to change the course of someone’s life based on there ill perceived perceptions and realities.

All of us deserve the right to live, to feel safe, to feel accepted and to be able to walk amongst each other shoulder to shoulder without fear. We all deserve the right to thrive. The right to be conscious in our environment.

What I have learned is to put yourself within an environment that will allow you to re-charge, re-group, and hopefully reset yourself. To become conscious is not always easy, it means facing the harshness that often surrounds us. Allowing the walls we have created to protect us to come down, to become conscious means we must be willing to expose our vulnerabilities to truly be able to see what we want, what we will allow, what we can no longer tolerate.

I began writing this the other day because the anxiety and stress of adapting to our new normal was beginning to become kind of heavy. The process of re-learning what we have always taken for granted is a job within it self, talk about stress. So what do we do? What can we do, how can we get ourselves to a space where we can alleviate the sudden stresses brought upon us without option?

For me it’s music, music allows me to become conscious, allows me to re-become the self I remember, the self I can still relate to. Music is my becoming of consciousness.

This past Saturday I watched and most importantly listened to an Instagram.com live stream between two amazingly soulful singers; erykahbadu.com and missjillscott.com and I can comfortably say the hour and change of listening and watching these soulful legends sing, laugh, and banter back and forth was the re-set I so very needed. To become conscious is to allow yourself the time to wrap yourself in what brings you peace, what brings you calm, what allows you to just breath. To simply become conscious.

Music can flood you with memories, good and bad. Make you laugh with a happiness that is un-yielded, that places a pep within us that gives us each an unbridled energy of joy that can’t easily be explained. The right lyrics penned by the right visionary of the message can extract you, even momentarily from the harshness and brutality that walks amongst us, giving a welcomed escape.

So, to become conscious let me ask you this; what are you doing?

Can life be like a balloon ride?

Its Sunday, I am just closing out three weeks of work travel and I am finally reflecting on all of this.

Three states, three different cities and I still want more. The idea of traveling excites me, it keeps my attention,  and peaks my interest. In addition to the travel it’s also the people, the opportunity to meet and work with the people is such an added bonus.  I feel humbled to be a part of something so much bigger than me the individual.

I think sometimes of how I was always told to just get a job and just do that job, your not really college material, so on and so on. The words attached to you as a child, a pre-teen, and then young person can be ever lasting.

At 52 I still am haunted at times at the self doubt in-stilled in me at such a young age, it truly impacts your life. When encouragement is deficient in your early impressionable years it changes the way you look at everything, how you feel about every situation.

Not worthy is something I often think and feel especially when I am told things like, great job, you did well, your such a value and any other positive reinforcements. My goal is to help, to provide a level of support in which others feel and see through my actions that they truly matter. I refuse to have anyone feel less then, as if they don’t count or have no relevance.

I will take that plane, book that hotel, rent that car, whatever it takes as long as I can help someone. Inclusion is key and will always be such an important aspect of what I do. The ability to make people feel there true value is a reward in itself and if I can be a part of that, it’s a win for me.

The idea of Servant Leadership is a methodology in which I truly believe in. I continue to learn myself, each day there is a renewed opportunity for knowledge gain.

Can life be like a ballon ride? Exciting, adventurous, and colorful? I think so, if you allow yourself to reflect, appreciate, and truly be humbled you can see the value that has been afforded to you as you take that balloon ride.

 

Balance

It’s interesting, life and how it at times can be the most overwhelming force one has to deal with.

I often brag of how transparent I am, or at least I try to be. The reality is I often find I am an open book, but only in certain chapters.

Is there a greater sense of balance if your end goal is transparency and you truly are transparent? Opening the book, sharing every chapter?

My goal for 2019 is to do just this, share more of what I have tried to hold in. Honestly the thought of this makes me nauseous but I am diving in.

I need greater balance, I need to find and accept a level of evenness in my life. At almost 52 it’s becoming to hard now to hold it all together. My balancing skills I guess you could say are off kilter.

So what does this mean? Do I become more vocal about my depression? Do I become more open about events in my adolescence? I don’t have an answer I honestly don’t, but I am going to try.

What I do know is that I long for a sense of serenity, a feeling of contentment, knowing everything is in its place. Will that help…with my balance? Not sure.

2019 is going to be an interesting year I can feel it. A year for growth and discovery, a year for change and development. I look forward to it, with a sense of nervous anticipation.

Smooth sailing?

It’s Friday

For some it’s the end of a week, good, bad, or indifferent.

Some are thankful to have made it through and are looking forward to sleeping it off tomorrow. Others may be thinking YEA!!! awesome week let’s celebrate.

Ask yourself this for a moment, if you’ve had a rough one is there something you have learned from it? Something that you can pinpoint and say this was my lesson learned?

I know for myself I reflect on my weeks often, think back of the should of, could of, wish I had. However, what I have also learned is that rough waters prepare you for your best.

Smooth sailing is ideal, yes no doubt but if everyday is smooth sailing with no rough waters do we actually learn?

After the waves have settled and I realize that yes Eddie you are still afloat. I honestly try to peel back those “rough waters” and think ok where was it the roughest and how can I learn from this. Does it work all the time! No, let me be very honest, but I will be the first to happily admit I am still a work in progress.

So, yea its Friday and for me this week has been a very good one. However, I am going to bring this week to a close with reflection.

Could something have been handled differently, did I over reach? over promise?

I appreciate the calm but hold tightly to my lifejacket as the opportunity for improvement is only a wave away.

The tree is lit!

Just saw the tree being lit at Rockefeller Center via NBC.

Wishing for some odd reason I was there, however I am in a hotel room in Dallas.

It’s prettier than I remember over the last couple of years, much more festive. Being a Native New Yorker I sadly have to admit I have never been to the actual lighting ceremony.

Not sure if it’s my age, the fact my daughter is growing up, my nieces and nephews are growing into these beautifully talented young people or what but I am feeling a bit nostalgic.

Watching as the cameras pan over the audience listening to the amazing Diana Ross singing beautiful holiday melodies is stirring something in me.

I want to get home, want to get in the mood for the season. This is going to be a very special one as my precious daughter will be home with me and my partner. My mom lives close now, my aunt and uncle are here and my in laws are just beautiful people.

There is a feeling of thankfulness that is becoming more profound each day, I no longer resist it. I embrace it, I am learning to let it go and receive the warmth of happiness, the celebration of life, to see things with warm eyes.

It is that time of year and I will not push it away as I have done in the past, nope no longer.

So I welcome you happiness, I embrace you happiness.

It’s my turn now, I too want to smile from the inside out.

Travel woes?

We have all been there and it’s never a pleasurable experience; flight delays!

Been up since 5:30am EST and should have known something was going to ripple this day from the moment I got on the infamous TSA Pre-check line.

“Sir…you have been randomly selected for additional screening” Oh yay just want I wanted. Get through that head upstairs and realize I no longer have my wallet!

Ugh..too early for this! Head back down and see the TSA agent looking around waving a wallet, well my wallet. I was actually quite grateful to him as a lost wallet is another whole journey I don’t want to be on.

Thanks to a last minute travel schedule change my new seat is at the very baaaaaaaaack of the plane. Before we take off the pilot announces air traffic in Atlanta and a one hour delay.

Get to Atlanta finally at the furthest terminal away from my connecting flight and the clock is ticking…as I have gained some weight (and I say this with an honest side eye daring you to judge me) I am not running through no airport. I did walk as fast as I could, but as to be expected I missed the flight.

Having called Delta for assistance they advised the only flight was at 8:00pm EST mind you it’s now only 10:00am, so this little camper was not very happy.

What I will say is this, you have two choices; be thankful or be not-thankful. I went to the stand by gate as suggested by the agent and the gate agent was amazing! Friendly, empathetic, and willing (let me say this again, WILLING TO HELP ME). although I could not get on that next flight she was able to confirm me a seat at 3:00pm and a better seat than my original.

I chose thankful, I made sure she knew how very thankful I was to her for helping me. I will say this though dealing with Delta over the phone is a nerve racking thing, it can get to the best of you, work that very last nerve. In person, the team are amazing.

The night before Thanksgiving

Sitting here not really too tired, napped today and was off work with some time to reflect. Hard to believe it’s already this time of year, it’s seems to have gone by so quickly. When I think about “thanks” what comes to mind for me is;

  1. My daughter
  2. My husband
  3. My health
  4. My family
  5. My continued opportunities

I hope I reflect my thanks, I hope people see how very grateful I am. We need to try to smile more often, say thank you, and make eye contact when speaking with people. 

Our needs are often quite simple and free of charge, I cannot seem to remember ever charging someone for a smile or simply saying hello.

We can do this, we can be thankful and we should.

Good evening

Your greatest asset..

Let me ask this question..

what is your greatest asset?

In the work space it’s the people, the people are the greatest asset in any organization.

I have been fortunate enough, let me say this again…fortunate enough to work for an organization in which I feel like one of their greatest assets.

It is so very important to be able to see the bigger picture, the long term, the potential.

It’s not always easy, I would be foolish to say it was, however if you allow your self to see the bigger picture, the long term, the potential…YOUR POTENTIAL it could be magical.

Let them see you, let them see what you are truly capable of, let them see what your abilities truly are.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU TRULY HAVE A PASSION TO DO…..believe me I know this first handedly as I can honestly say I love what I do.

I believe in you, I believe in your abilities whether tapped into or not, I believe in you.

Smile….Make Eye Contact…Lean In…Listen…Get it done!

Good evening my friends

Reflections

Is there ever a time when you don’t reflect, think back to other times, lost adventure, the what if’s?

I am not sure if it is an age thing, I am 51 and at a point where I am now seeing things through different lenses. I don’t miss some things and part of my reflection process clearly reminds me of that; for example going out every evening to the clubs.

It could also be that my daughter had done her first college visit and life it self is getting very real. My emotions are all over the place right now, but I know it will all balance, or at least I hope so.

When your 51 do you start thinking about the rest of your life? Am I being over worried for no reason? I have no idea, but there is a part of me that feels like I need to get stuff done already, travel, check off that bucket list.

I am going to start journaling more as it actually helps my anxiety a bit.

Eddie